.8 - So that was a lie....
2025-07-10
So it has been a couple of months, last time I was writing here was March now it is July, a lot of stuff has happened in my life that I let get in the way of the things that make me happy, sure a lot of it was just unpredictable stuff that needed to be dealt with but I let those things pull me down into a rut. Instead of unpacking what has been going on I bottled everything up and tried to forget about them while moving forward.
I fell right back down that ever calling sinkhole that is YouTube, how couldn't I? It was right there, a perfect way to dull my senses and emotions with no effort, a perfect escape from whatever has been going on in my mind for the last 3 months. I have tried to write this post 3 times already, and every one of them I couldn't get myself to even turn on my PC when I thought about writing this.
Even though physically I've been doing things around the house that needed to be done, I'm not sure where I was mentally, I don't even remember 3 months going by.....
First I got hit with Trans Day of Visibility shortly after the last post I made and the realization that "oh s*it I might not be cisgender or heterosexual". Sure I knew about the existence and general concepts behind a decent chunk of the LGBTQ+ community, but I had never looked into it because it had never really popped up into my life before, but this year since I was on Mastodon it was front and center, most of the posts I saw that day were related to that. So totally cis me thinking "what's this all about" decided to do some research to try and understand it, long story short after a couple of weeks reading articles and wiki pages, of watching videos by queer people sharing their experiences, relating to a scary amount of queer memes, and discovering the existence of ✦Gender Dysphoria✦ (and crying for a bit) which finally made me figure out that most "normal" people don't feel like I do about myself and my body I realized "oh I'm definitely not cis or straight".
Even though I have not figured out what I am precisely, I have been presenting online as non-binary and (even though I am not out to friends or family) I have been slowly and carefully experimenting with my appearance and expression of myself to try and find what I am exactly, I could go on and on about that but I think that it is sufficient to say that after spending over half my life avoiding mirrors I am finally able to recognize myself and like the way I look, but there is still a lot of progress to be made on that.
(This whole endeavour also made me realize why I loved "The Matrix" so much growing up without being able to explain why)
Then a close family member got himself into hospital after a couple of falls, thankfully he is doing much better now, he is the most strong willed person I know and when he puts his mind on something he gets it done, and I know for a fact that he wants to get out of that hospital bed. And he will. I am sure of it.
And then just as I was settling in to a new normal and getting myself back on track, out of nowhere my father asked for a divorce from my mother, which in itself wasn't a big issue (even if it was a bit shocking), it's just two grown adults going on with their lives their own ways, but it was very much a problem for me, you see I live in their house as well, I won't share any of the details here but thankfully, after a very stressful couple of weeks, that problem has been resolved.
Those where the 3 main things that happened to me these last months (and that does not take into acount the general socio-economic state of the whole world right now, which by itself is already pretty stressing), and after each one of those things is when I tried to write this very post, and each time I realized that it takes quite a lot of effort to do so, effort that is fairly easy to push through when things are going according to plan but very hard when they are not, and it is simply not realistic to expect for everything to always work out well, therefore it is also not realistic to expect to be able to push one of this posts out every week like I wanted, or even every other week, so instead of doing that I will now focus on getting myself out of this hole that I dug and start working on some of the ideas I had before. And once I come up with something worth sharing I'll be back.
This is the point on this post that I would like to leave some advice in case someone reading right now needs it, but I'm not sure what to make of all of this yet, so I'll just leave a quote by one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite games of all time:
When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the man who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down! -Cave Johnson, in Portal 2